Nathaniel James Clarke Day

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NATHANIEL JAMES CLARKE DAY
BORN SLEEPING 17TH JUNE 2008
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Dear Nathan,

Daddy and I were so pleased when we knew we were expecting you. From that very moment we were just
filled with excitement and joy. Neither of us ever thought for one slightest second that things
would turn out like this. I found out I was pregnant with you the day before Daddy and I were going
on holiday to Cyprus. I wanted to tell him straight away but I didn't. Your Daddy means the
world to me and he had stood by me through thick and thin, he deserved this suprise to be special.
So I decided to wait until we were in Cyprus to tell him. When we got there the next day it was
late at night and we were both tired. The excitement was killing me, but I held on until the next
day. The next morning, Daddy and I had breakfast on our balcony with your big sister Niamh and I
told him. It was just perfect. A day I'd always dreamed about. We were so delighted.

The pregnancy seemed to be going well and when we had that first scan and saw you for the very first
time - our smiles grew bigger and bigger. We couldn't stop looking at your little scan
pictures. I'll never forget seeing you flick up and down the screen like that. Daddy carried
your scan picture round with him in his wallet. More than once I would catch him holding the
picture, just looking. "You're beautiful" he'd say to you.

As you grew, my tummy grew. Niamh would point to my tummy and say "Babba" She was almost
as excited as we were about your arrival. By the time the next scan came round we took her with us
to meet you for the first time. She watched you on the screen kicking your legs and just as we
pointed to the screen you moved your arm. "Your baby brother or sister is waving at you
Niamh" the lady told her, and she giggled. The lady asked us if we wanted to know if you were
a girl or a boy but we said no and decided to wait.

Oh Nathan... if only I could turn the clock back to that day. That day when everything was fine.
We were fine. You were fine and we were all happy. Oh Nathan.


You carried on growing in my tummy and we carried on getting excited about your arrival. Everyone
used to say to me "Look how big your tummy is - that's got to be a rugby player
you're growing in there!!" We laughed. You were famous before you were even born!

Daddy and I talked about names. We thought Grace for a girl and we had so many boys names we just
couldn't decide. We were just so stuck. We liked so many. Then we decided we didn't
have to decide there and then anyway because we had plenty of time... you were only due in August so
we had a long time to find the perfect name for you - and anyway if you were a girl it was settled
to be Grace!!

The pregnancy continued and I was loving every minute of buying things ready for your arrival. Last
weekend Daddy got Niamh's pram down from the loft and we cleaned it all out because we were
going to use it for you too. We both had big smiles on our faces at the thought of us having
another gorgeous little baby in that pram. You.

Niamh would keep getting her dolls and putting them in the pram. We laughed as we thought about how
much she was going to adore you. The three of us were very very excited... though we still
hadn't thought of a name if you were a boy!!


On Saturday I felt very strange. I couldn't describe what it was I was feeling but things
didn't feel ok. Daddy told me I had been doing too much because I'd had a week off work
and spent it shopping and shopping and shopping ready for the big day that you were to be born.

Yesterday it was Father's Day. Niamh woke up very excited about showering Daddy with cards,
presents and balloons and I smiled as I thought about Father's Day next year... Daddy would
have two little treasures to fuss him wouldn't he? Oh Nathan... deep down I knew something
still wasn't right though. We went to church with Niamh and then treated Daddy to his dinner
at the pub. When we came home I was getting more and more worried. "I don't want to
spoil your Fathers Day" I said to Daddy "but I'm worried something isn't right.
I feel so strange and I haven't felt the baby move today." Daddy hugged me and told me
everything was going to be ok but we'd ring the midwife and run it by her just to put our minds
at rest... "Can you come to the hospital and I'll check you over?" she asked me.

We took Niamh to Nan's on the way and Daddy and I went to the hospital. We were laughing going
in thinking that we would be making a fool of ourselves for making a fuss over nothing! Oh Nathan,
how wrong we were...

...we were in the hospital for 3 hours and they were listening and listening for your heartbeat but
couldn't find one. The more they tried, the more they got nothing and the more I was
panicking. Daddy kept squeezing my hand and telling me everything was ok and to keep thinking
positive. I was trying so hard. But I knew. I just knew Nathan...

The midwife still couldn't find your heartbeat. I was 32 weeks and that wasn't right was
it?? She told us that they would need to scan me to see what was going on but because it was Sunday
they couldn't do it then. They told us to go home and try not to worry!!!!!! Yeah right!! We
had to go back first thing this morning for them to check me out. Daddy and I spent the whole night
on edge just hoping that this morning we weren't going to be faced with horrible news. I still
didn't feel you move all night. Daddy kept rubbing my tummy "Come on beautiful just tell
us you're ok" he would say to you. But still nothing.

We got to the hospital this morning and they took us straight in. As the lady ran the scanner over
my tummy and I saw her face change, the tears started to stream down my face because I just knew...
"I'm sorry" she said. Sorry??

The midwife and doctor took us into a room and explained that you had died inside me. Looking at
the scan they thought it had happened last Thursday. Why didn't I realise Nathan? Why???
They asked if we wanted to know what sex you are and we both nodded. "A boy" the midwife
said. Just what we wanted... a beautiful baby boy.


We have to go back to the hospital tomorrow and they will deliver you. You are going to be born
tomorrow. Yet you've died. Oh Nathan. Oh my gorgeous gorgeous baby Nathan.

We got back into the car and Daddy and I just sat there crying and holding each other. Things
weren't supposed to turn out like this. This wasn't supposed to happen. "Can we
call him Nathan?" Daddy asked. I nodded and smiled. Nathan's a beautiful name I thought
and it suited you so well because all Daddy had ever said to you through my tummy and at the scan
pictures was "You're beautiful".


I'm not sure how any of us are going to get through tomorrow Nathan I'm really not. I
just don't know. I'm dreading it so much. Niamh is still with your Nan now and Daddy has
gone to collect her and tell everyone the horrible news. Oh Nathan. What is there now? What is
there tomorrow?? Why? Why Nathan?? Why you? Why us??

No matter how hard tomorrow is Nathan I want you to know that Daddy, Niamh and I love you so very
very much. So does your Nan & Grandad and all your aunties, uncles and cousins. In fact
everyone loves you Nathan. Everyone.

I'll never understand why you stopped growing Nathan. I'll never get over this. Never...
but one thing I do know darling is that you're going to be the most beautiful baby in heaven
because you have been beautiful from day 1 haven't you?!

I'll never stop loving you Nathan. Never. I love you so so much. So does Daddy. This pain
is just so hard right now. Have fun in heaven little man but remember to shine over us all the time
and send Daddy, Niamh and I plenty of your angel kisses.

All my love forever and always beautiful baby boy
Mummy xxx


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I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who has lit lovely candles and left lovely messages
and to those who have taken the time to contact us on our email through the site. Your support is
just unbeatable at this really difficult time... thank you so much xxx

Oh Nathan... I don't think I know where my strength came from on Monday to do this site but I
am so glad I have done it. Not that I ever wanted a site for you but you know what I mean I hope.
Yesterday was the hardest day I have ever been through but Daddy was so right... you're just
beautiful. Just beautiful. We'll maybe put some photos of you on here soon so everyone can
see just how beautiful you are. I had to just had to come home from hospital today. I
couldn't stand it there any longer... and look at me now. Now what? Oh Nathan. Send Daddy,
Niamh and I some of your beautiful angel kisses at sleep time - in fact before then. Now! Love you
little man xxxxx
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Well yesterday Nathan was your funeral and I have never ever done anything as hard in my life. We
decided that we just wanted a small intimate funeral with only close friends and family there.
That's what we got darling but it was much harder than I ever imagined... and I never even
thought it was going to be easy. Oh Nathan... I watched Daddy carry your tiny little blue coffin
down the church and I thought I was going to die. The pain I felt was just immense... you know the
rest hey? We asked people not to send flowers and we all sent you a blue balloon at the end of the
service. I hope you caught them all... and the red love heart balloon that we sent you from Niamh.
Love you little man xxxxx
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Hi beautiful boy... well Daddy and I have decided to go away for the weekend this weekend with
Niamh. We just need to get away from all the phone calls and people knocking at the door.
Don't get me wrong it's so lovely of them to know they care, but we just need to get away
and spend some time on our own with Niamh. Thinking time, thinking about you. Not sure where
we're going yet but we'll go somewhere nice. Somewhere to think about you lots and lots.
We think of you anyway. If we go somewhere really special and we feel it's right then we are
going to scatter your ashes there, but if it doesn't feel right then we'll wait until we
find a place that does. Love you little man xxxxx
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Hi beautiful boy... well we have decided to go to Llandudno for the weekend. We're just going
to drive up and see what hotels or guest houses can fit us in. We're not going to enjoy it
because we should be getting ready for your big arrival but hey ho that's another world for us
now isn't it?? Daddy suggested we went to Paris. That's where Daddy proposed to me and
we did think about going there and taking Niamh to Eurodisney whilst we were there and maybe
scattering your ashes there... but I don't want to do that... that would mean I'll be
having fun and I can't smile at the moment... I just can't. Anyway about your ashes... I
was thinking more about splitting them in two. We're going to bury half and scatter half, but
I thought maybe we could go back to Cyprus and stay at the hotel that we stayed in when I told Daddy
I was expecting you... that would be special wouldn't it because you were included in that
trip. The beach was beautiful so maybe that's where we could scatter your ashes... oh I
don't know Nathan I just don't know. Love you little man xxxxx
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Hi beautiful boy... well we are home from Llandudno. We did lots of walking on the beach together
with Niamh and talking about you lots and lots. Each night Daddy would take Niamh outside when it
had gone dark and together they would find a big bright star. Daddy told her that star was you and
that you are always looking over us and they would blow you a kiss and say Goodnight. I'm
sorry little man I wasn't strong enough to do that. Not yet anyway... Daddy's going to
carry on doing it with Niamh here now we're back home. I will when I can. I just need to be
strong to do it don't I. We have decided that yes we will go back to that Hotel in Cyprus and
yes that is where we will scatter some of your ashes... but first we need to bury the other half
don't we? Love you little man xxxxx
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Hi beautiful boy... I was wondering if maybe you could help me out a little bit with your beautiful
angel powers? What do you think? Daddy was talking about putting some pictures that we have of you
on your site and though I think it's a lovely idea, well you know don't you... I'm
wondering what Niamh will think of them and wonder if she will be a little frightened xxx you are
beautiful Nathan you certainly are but sometimes a newborn baby born sleeping is a little
frightening for a little girl isn't it. So what do you think? The other thing I was wondering
if you could help me with is being brave? My very close friend Liz has had her baby today
hasn't she? A little boy Rio. I'm sure he is beautiful. Will you send Liz and Lee lots
of love and kisses and maybe if you send enough angel powers and brave down then maybe I will be
strong enough to go and visit them soon.
Love you little man xxxxx
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Hi beautiful boy... you know today is another hard day for me don't you? All my days are hard
without you but today is hard because we're going to rugby tonight. When the fixtures were
released I was rather excited wondering if I would be able to go to this one in Wigan tonight
because I'd only have a few weeks left before you were born. Oh the things I worried about...
oh baby if I'd have known then what I know now. Anyway tonight we're going to the
rugby... Niamh is a little confused about us going to Wigan tonight and not being here when the
stars come out. I've told her you know you have to go to Wigan tonight just for one night only
though and shine on us there ok? Hopefully you'll be the brightest star and we'll be able
to see you at least before we get in the car to come home again just so Niamh knows you really are
always with us. Maybe if you have got enough love and angel strength to go round you can send the
boys all your angel love as well to win!! But the main thing Nathan is that you are with us and
shine on us forever and always. Love you little man xxxxx
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